HDClarity

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In a recent conversation I had with an associate in the national rallying community, my friend waxed poetic about his current dissatisfaction with his job. I countered that he might benefit by looking for the fun in the job. His response? “Fun” isn’t a word he associates with employment. I know many people who feel that way, and my sense is that they need to take another look at how they are using the F word.

Fun—real fun—is critical for happiness, and happiness plays an important role in the world of work. In fact, happiness at work is said to be the number one productivity booster for many reasons. As this article on the Chief Happiness Officer blog explains, happy people are more creative, work better with colleagues, get sick less often, have more energy, worry less about making mistakes, and learn faster.

Sounds like the kind of employee I’d like to be. How about you?

It would be great if employers understood the importance of happiness at work and built fun into our jobs. But most of them don’t. So if we want to get all the benefits of being happy at work, it’s up to us to find the fun in them. First, however, we have to make sure we’re using that F word properly.

If we define fun as a repeated pleasure for which we have a programmed or patterned positive feeling, something our Knower/Judgers know is fun, then we’re teetering on the edge of an addiction. For example, I think it’s good fun to go to my favorite custard stand (Ted Drewes here in St. Louis) and down a chocolate chocolate chip concrete at a mere 700 calories for the small version.

The consumption of this treat is K/J fun, and it sure feels good while I’m sucking down those fat grams. But it borders on an addiction—an assessment borne out by the feeling that I’m going to pay for my indulgence and that it’s not really productive for me.

Real fun is a function of the Learner/Researcher. The L/R version isn’t tethered with regrets. It’s the unfettered roll-on-the-floor laugh compared to the nervous snicker. It’s the “yahoo!” at the end of a roller coaster ride as opposed to the “rah-rah” at the annual sales meeting.

So how do you tell the difference and find the real fun.

Look at everything you find fun and sort your pleasures into addictions or natural fun. Did you laugh spontaneously? L/R. Did you laugh to be a part of a group that was laughing? Maybe not L/R. Did you do the “fun” activity because you wanted something from others whose opinions you respect? K/J. Did you do it just for yourself? L/R. Get the picture?

L/R fun makes you happy, with no long-term regrets. K/J fun gives you a temporary emotional boost but rarely improves your happiness for long.

Eisenhower’s quote from last month’s HDClarity E-zine, “Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it,” works in reverse, too. You’re going to be a happier, more productive member of the team when you want to do what the mission requires.

And there’s a far greater probability that you will want to do what you have fun doing. It’s a shame employers frequently don’t get that. It’s life changing if you get it for yourself.

Finding the L/R fun is your choice.

“To err is human; to forgive, divine.”
Alexander Pope (1688-1744)

It’s not the “err” thing I want to talk about. It’s the “forgive” thing. I understand people’s ire when something has been irretrievably taken from them. Theft comes to mind. Possessions. Virginity. Life. But the act of forgiveness is incredibly powerful. Let me show you what I mean.

How often have you gotten angry about one of these kinds of scenarios?

• Your secretary forgets to update your calendar and you miss an important meeting.
• Your customer service representative overpromises a solution to an irate client. Or worse, she gives them a piece of her mind.
• Your son brings the family car back with a little ding in the front fender.
• A direct report misses the accuracy mark on some calculations.

Most of these scenarios conjure up a “punishment” response, ostensibly to improve the odds that this doesn’t happen again. After all, we’re perfect and we just want to help the other guy be as perfect, right? But these are all errors only insofar as they are judged by our Knower/Judgers to be so. They are not intrinsically wrong. They are what they are, and they don’t match our considered opinion of what’s right. But that’s our opinion, developed from our K/J rules of life.

Ho’oponopono speaks: I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. Now I challenge you to say that and then follow through with whatever punishment you had in mind.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space.” Try sticking Ho’oponopono in there!

“But, Kim,” you say, “How will I ever train the person to do things the way I want them done?” You’re asking to have the whole world accommodate your K/J (and incomplete) picture of the world, aren’t you?

The act of forgiveness is truly universal in its ability to stop the madness. What can we ask forgiveness for?

• Foisting our K/J rules on others
• Making snap judgments
• Reacting rather than reasoning
• Failing to see data that supports the other argument

The list goes on.

Do you like conflict? Then hold your position. Want peace? Forgive.

Now I’ve really got you riled up. “How can I ever get my way? Everyone will just run over me. I’ve got to stand up for what’s right!

Consider the benefits of forgiveness, like these from the Mayo Clinic:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less anxiety, stress, and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

Sticking to your K/J as the supreme decision maker about right and wrong appears to have dire consequences in our lives. It’s tied into that challenge we frequently see of always needing to be right.

Back off. You might even be wrong (gasp)!

Just how angry can you get over a missed appointment? A dinged fender? How much damage do you want to do to the relationship with the offending party? Forgiving stops that.

You can’t stuff knowledge into a full brain! Sometimes we have to let go of something to learn something new. Consider a beaker of water, full to the brim. Now try to put some more water in it. Doesn’t work, does it? Just falls over the edges onto the table. So it is when we try to impart our wisdom to others. Is it possible to get others to drain a little “knowledge” so they can learn something more? I believe it is.

I’m sure you don’t remember, but there was a time when you just knew the only source of food was a bottle or your mother’s breast. That was it. No other sustenance available. Then some grown-up started shoving spoonfuls of other stuff in your face. “Not food,” your brain told you. And your beaker overflowed while you repeatedly rejected the solid food. Even if it got in your mouth, chances are it came right back out. (Ask Grandpa here how he knows that!)

Well, when we’re asked to do something a different way than we’re accustomed to, the same dynamic is in play. Especially if someone is trying to shove something down our throats, or delivering information from his or her K/J.

Our history, lessons in life, perhaps even formal training have armed us with the “right” way to do things. On this subject, our beakers are full. Toilet paper comes off the top of the roll, right?

Then along comes the boss (or the mom, or the leader, or the coach) who tries to put more knowledge in there. “Toilet paper always comes off the bottom of the roll.” Blasphemy! And the battle is on.

Now, in a management or leadership setting, this battle may not appear to be open combat. If you’re the instructor, you may not even get a hint that there is a battle. Your student may smile and nod approvingly. The next day, you wonder why your directive wasn’t followed. Because the beaker was full! Your wisdom didn’t get in

Understand that new wisdom doesn’t even have to differ very much from old. “We take five pieces of toilet paper off the top of the roll” versus “We take four pieces of toilet paper off the top of the roll.” The beaker is still full and there will likely be resistance to getting anything else in there. I’m sure you’ve seen this.

While rallying two weekends ago, I overheard two mechanics going at it over whether the torque specs for a Subaru lug nut were 80 ft/lbs or 78 ft/lbs. Two K/Js spent five minutes of a 15-minute pit stop debating this. Silly. But it makes my point. We all have full beakers. And for each of us, our beaker is ours and we aim to protect it.

So how do we lead when managing a change in behavior, SOPs, or processes that are required for success? How do we get someone to want to do it (à la Ike)?

When we’re in the position to lead or teach, it would serve us well to remember that our student will most likely have to let something go to learn something new. And he doesn’t want to do that, so wanting to change seems a difficult task.

The point at which the student decides he wants to remove some knowledge from his beaker to let new knowledge in is when he sees he benefits from it.

We may even start the conversation with that acknowledgment. “I know you’ve been taught that toilet paper is supposed to come off the top of the roll. I’ve been taught the same thing.”

Then share the data he’s missing that allows for the introduction of the less-than-ideal conclusion. “I recently learned that the surface of the paper exposed by rolling toilet paper off the bottom is softer and ooooohhhhh…does that feel good!”

In the management teaching opportunity, it might sound like “I know you were taught that at corporate training. I was too. But since I got here they’ve changed the software, and it doesn’t require all that input. You’ll get done a lot faster and the reports will be just as accurate.”

The “I’ve been taught that too” and “I was too” phrases are important here. Using them allows the student to keep the lid off his beaker. There’s an immediate empathy and sense of non-threat to his knowledge base.

Then the new data is at least noticed. Without that, no learning can take place. I can’t guarantee the student will dump out some of whatever is in his beaker and put your data in. But I can pretty much guarantee that, if you just tell the student what he needs to know, your chance of success plummets.

And while you’re at it, why not just empty your beaker a little? Let in more wisdom. Your “rights” aren’t all accurate either!

Yoda once said “Do or not do. There is no try.” I’ve found those words less than helpful. In almost 35 years of working with teams to improve results, sales, market penetration, and team solidarity, as well as reach a myriad of other goals, I never saw anyone, as Nike says, “Just Do It.” But I have seen a lot of success using the process I recommend.

Here is the truth about anything we do. We want a certain outcome. But we can’t wish it so. We can’t make it happen. We can’t manage the successful outcome. We can only manage the processes that can lead to the desired outcome.

In other words, we can’t just do. We have to try.

How many of us were raised believing that it’s better to win than lose? Better to possess than be without? Better to be right than wrong?

These are all outcomes. When the dust settles, you either have won or lost, have it or don’t, are right or wrong. That outcome didn’t just occur. There was a series of events that led to the outcome. Those events are what we can manage.

New rally drivers often have an idea that they can actually drive fast enough to beat somebody else. The goal for the weekend is to beat Harry. As the co-driver, that’s my cue to get out of the car because, in my experience, this is a formula for disaster.

Sometimes data is simply overlooked by my new driver. Harry might have more experience and better equipment, but…gotta beat Harry. Occasionally Harry will accommodate my driver by crashing out or having mechanical difficulties. But most of the time, with my guy focused on going faster than Harry, Harry beats us. If we’re lucky, we stayed on the road. But getting caught up in going as fast as Harry, when the skill set is not there, usually results in us off the road and not finishing.

Only when I can get a driver to concentrate on incremental improvement do I even have a chance of putting him or her on the podium. Most of my experienced drivers agree to ignore the times we’re turning and avoid making comparisons with our close competitors. Did we give 100% on that last stage? Was I on the notes? Was the driver trusting me to the max? Did the car perform as anticipated? If all those questions are answered in the affirmative, then that’s what we’ve got. Pushing any harder probably crashes us out. If it’s good enough to win, then we win. If not, then we don’t.

We aren’t going into the race thinking we have to do it; we have to win. We are getting 100% out of driver, co-driver, and car during the race. We’re trying. If it’s not enough, then we need to find more seat time for practice, more horsepower and torque, or better suspension.

I’m often quoted as saying “We can’t manage results. We can only manage processes.”

My belief is this: Try or don’t try. There is no do without try.

“Do” is the shortcut we’ve all been sold. Nike gets our testosterone surging with the swoop. Yoda can lead a galaxy with it. But the people who actually get things done on a regular basis, who live the lives they want, are the ones who manage their processes to develop the outcomes they want.

Every article or video that’s appeared in this column is a tool for those who might want to change something, but who find their personal resources incapable of getting them there. We all need tools to enhance our innate capability to do things, and we often require a certain level of training and expertise to use them without hammering a thumb or cutting a finger. Here are a few of the many tools my clients and I use to get results and make changes, as well as quick links so you can learn how to use them effectively.

Understanding Personas: Knowledge, while valuable and serving productive purposes, impedes learning. We don’t learn when in the Knower/Judger persona. So understanding the foundations of your K/J persona and being able to set it aside and use your Learner/Researcher is a tool. Without this tool, you are only capable of what you’ve been capable of so far. New data has a hard time penetrating what you “know.”

Choosing Nice: When you know you have a choice to be right or be nice, picking nice is a tool that can repair damaged relations. But, just like using a saw, it takes some practice and skill development.

Drama Triangle: The Drama Triangle is another indispensable tool when working on teams. Understanding the persecutor/victim/rescuer roles and watching them at work (even if you’re playing one of the roles) can bring clarity to any team struggling to break the bonds of repeated patterns.

Ho’oponopono: This is an incredible tool I often use to neutralize my K/J when it begins to exert itself. Ho’oponopono helps us understand that we are all accountable for our relationships with everyone and everything. An outcome cannot be counterproductive unless that negative outcome is first manifested in the K/J.

Giving Up: Giving up expectations—the last gift from my mentor Jut Meininger—has been effective in reducing my levels of frustration. Expectations are always products of the K/J, so the frustration experienced when expectations don’t pan out is one of the more repairable pieces of the human condition.

Three Responses: Eckhart Tolle’s three responses (engage enthusiastically, enjoy passively, or accept) have been incredibly useful to me as I struggle to recover from K/J disappointments.

Taking It Easy: One of my effective tools is just recognizing that I am still a pilgrim on this path, susceptible to falling off the wagon and smacking my thumb with my tools (sometimes even forgetting I have the tool), and that is part of my journey. I have grown very thankful to the clients and readers who point out my K/J moments. It means my tools are being picked up and used.

Remember when Coke cost a nickel? American cars had big tail fins? VHS was the way to watch movies at home and telephones sat on tables—and had dials? It all changed. We accept that things change. We don’t go berserk about cell phones or small cars. So why do we have such a problem when a rule we internalized back in 1975, like “You must clean your plate,” isn’t working anymore? There are some rules that need breaking, but doing it is hard, unless you understand where they come from and know how to free yourself.

I’m 65. I can still hear Mom nattering at me. “Clean your plate. Think of the starving Chinese.” But if I still considered that a rule—and part of me does—I would weigh 300 pounds. Things have changed.

The main contributor to frustration and struggle in our lives is related to things not going the way we expected or not behaving the way we were taught they should behave. When things don’t go according to our rules, watch out.

When did we learn those rules? Probably between the ages of two and six. That’s certainly when I was ordered to clean my plate. I also learned that people with money were not to be trusted, and that I was and always would be supremely lazy. See the crap our parents lay on us? What’s yours?

If I decide to take an afternoon off and maybe go to the zoo with my granddaughter, I can still hear good ol’ Mom whipping me with her “lazy” admonition. And I truly have to be totally present to leave anything on a plate or to use the “two-bite” rule a good friend told me about. (Two bites of anything, no matter how sinful, is allowed. Leave the rest!)

The challenge is to figure out which of the rules that were set when telephones still hung on a wall and had dials aren’t working for you today, and then decide to rewrite them with today’s data in mind.

Sticking to Old Rules Can Leave You in the Dark

The Kodak Company has made cameras and film since 1888. It has employed as many as 60,000 in the town of Rochester, New York, alone.

The rule was that everyone wants to take and carry around pictures, and it was true. It still is. But the rule at Kodak included the concept that the way to do that was on hard paper using silver photographic processing. And things changed.

Consumers stopped agreeing with Kodak’s rule, and the market shrank. Kodak ignored the reality of digital imaging, staying its prescribed course (written by its rules) and lost 80% of its value. Today it is a shadow of its former glory, employing less than 6,000 while it struggles to compete in the digital printing arena and stay out of bankruptcy.

Kodak didn’t decide to do anything until it was too late. It just kept doing what it has been doing since 1888. But nothing was the same. It was a fantasy to think that the film photography market would stay static.

It’s also a fantasy to believe that the conditions that spawned your rules are the same today as they were way back when.

Nothing’s the same. Not as 50 years ago, not even as last week. The rules that used to describe life don’t anymore. So our adherence to them will most likely not take us where we want to go.

We need to decide to observe the data…today….right now…this moment. Then we decide how to respond. That way, you’re not operating out of your Knower/Judger’s past, which only leads to frustration and struggle.

It all starts with a decision. You can rock your world if you’ll look at the data and decide that your old rules don’t work anymore. The choice is yours. A decision or a reaction. Digital images or Kodachrome.